Sheikh's Baby of Revenge Page 14

  CHAPTER TEN

  AMIRA COULD NOT believe she had succeeded in persuading Adir to let her accompany him to an oil summit he was attending in the neighboring country, the Kingdom of Zyria.

  Of course, she was excited to be visiting Zyria which was a beautiful country, but it was her first official trip with Adir and she was determined to enjoy every minute of it.

  Even if he had worn the most frightful scowl the whole time, from when he had arrived at the Peshani encampment to pick her up to when she had begged him to let her join him on the trip.

  She had braced herself for his refusal—four days of being at the camp dealing with a difficult birth of twins without drugs or sophisticated equipment had truly tired her, a fact she was sure she wore on her face when he had arrived.

  The look in his eyes when he had caught sight of her...such fury as his gaze rested on the shadows under her eyes, the sweat on her forehead since it had been her shift to watch Zareena and the babies. Amira had been terrified he would never let her attend anyone ever again in a medical capacity.

  But he had ordered her into the Jeep without a word and for once, she had wisely bit her tongue and stayed silent, which she realized had gone a long way to pacify his raging temper. Not that the remoteness in his eyes had abated one bit.

  Once he had agreed to let her come—a grunt from his throat while not even looking at her—he had left her to the not-so-tender mercies of Humera, who had ordered her to rest while overseeing her packing with Zara and one other woman.

  Not a single word as he drove them to a private airstrip in the nearest city.

  Not a single murmur in response as she had oohed and aaahed, laying it on thick, as they had embarked on the private jet that was to bring them to the capital of Zyria.

  Not a single look in her direction in the three hours they had been on the flight. Though to be fair, Amira had napped for the first two, hoping that he would join her.

  In the end, she had washed up, changed and joined him in the front cabin, only to be addressed oh so politely by him, told that he was tired and intended to sleep for the remnant of the flight.

  Followed by quite a threat about how he would put her under house arrest for the next few months if she didn’t take care to eat well and rest enough.

  Having finished her salad and cheese—the only thing she could still manage to eat—Amira paved a path through the thick carpet in the main cabin before deciding she’d had enough.

  If he meant to ignore her the whole week they were in Zyria, he didn’t know her.

  Whatever concerns he had, whatever complaints he had for her, they would have to deal with them openly. For she refused to have a silently dying marriage.

  She refused to give up on this just when they were making progress.

  * * *

  The rear cabin was steeped in darkness when Amira entered it a few minutes later. Her breath became shallow as she let her eyes get used to the relative darkness after the blazing lights in the main cabin.

  Slowly, she ventured farther in and found the bed. And on it, dressed only in sweatpants, was Adir, his eyes closed and his arm laid carelessly over his head.

  What was she going to do if he was sleeping? She would surely lose her mind if she had to go another minute without talking to him. Or being away from him.

  Maybe she could get into the bed and just lie close to him. Feel his heart under her palm. Soak in the warmth from his body. Just breathe him in.

  She had barely undone the buttons to her jeans—they were uncomfortable enough to sit in, much less to sleep in—when he said, “I was hoping to get some rest. Alone.”

  She jumped back, startled. He hadn’t moved a muscle nor opened his eyes. Only his arm had moved. Now it covered his eyes—a clear sign to ward her off. As if she were a pest bothering him.

  She refused to be cowed. Her jeans fell off her hips and legs in a soft whisper and she stepped out of them. “I won’t disturb your rest. I just...” She shook off the sleeveless, long cardigan next, leaving the button-down shirt she had chosen for comfort.

  Going to him in his bed in a shirt and bra and panties was like tweaking the tail of a tiger but she didn’t care. She desperately needed to be close to him.

  “You just what, Amira?” His eyes were still closed, his voice resonating in the small cabin. The husky timbre of it stretched her skin tight.

  “I just need to be close to you,” she said, hurrying through the words before she lost her nerve. “I know you’re furious with me and yourself and you will only emerge from it when you have made some sort of decision inside that head of yours. That you will not even acknowledge me until then. But it’s been a total of almost six days since you looked at me, or touched me. Or held me.” She swallowed the little something that floated in her throat, determined to say her piece. “I miss you, Adir. It was bad enough that I missed you when I was with the Peshani. But to miss you when you’re right in front of me is... My chest hurts.”

  Silence. Utter, deafening silence.

  If his shock could be given form, Amira was sure it would be a giant hole in the small room, suffocating the very air out of her.

  Did he still not know what was in her heart? That it was all his?

  Amira had no idea how long she stood there like that, waiting for him to respond. Wretched and yet still full of hope.

  “I do not like what you do to me,” he began. “I... I trusted you to take care of yourself. You promised. And yet when I found you, a breeze could have blown you away. It is not just my child’s well-being that concerns me. It is... You make me want to lock you up and throw away the key. To never let you out of my sight, to never again let you...attend to another woman in your life. Do not...do not push me to that, Amira.”

  “I did take care of myself, Adir. Please, you have to believe me. It was a difficult birth. That first night, I could not rest for fear of her lifeblood slipping away while I slept. It will not be like that always.”

  “Always? Do you know how tempted I am to say there will never be another occasion?”

  “You would not do that to me.”

  “I wish I could. I don’t want you to look at me like you look at your father. With fear and resentment. So the only way to deal with this is to let me get control of myself. To let me treat this marriage as a polite arrangement. To let me treat you as a partner and nothing more.”

  “That would kill me just the same.”

  “To care this much for you while you demand to be true to the one important thing in your life...” such resentment filled his words that Amira gasped “...it is unacceptable.”

  Did he think nursing meant more to her than him? Than their marriage, than this child of theirs she carried?

  “I need to learn to undo this...this hold you have on me.”

  Her courage faltering, Amira took one last step toward him. Without waiting for his permission, she slid into the bed and scooted close to him until their bodies were touching. Until she could breathe him in. Until the beat of his thundering heart was under her palm.

  Ya Allah, she loved him so much, and it hurt to know that he would never feel even a fraction of the same for her.

  Had she fallen in love with him that same evening that she had met him? To meet a man who saw her as she was, to be cherished by him—to know Adir that night had been to fall in love with him. Why else had she—who had never done anything so brave and bold in her life before—given herself to him so easily? Without a thought to the consequences when they were so horrible for her?

  “What you feel, this small fear, the little bit of caring,” she said, “I feel that a thousand times over. I love you so much, you own my heart. You had it from that very first time when you asked me if you could touch me. When you looked at me as if I was the most unbelievable thing you had ever seen. When you held me with such tender care that for the fi
rst time in my life, I thought, this is how I wish to be held all the time. I thought, this is how I wish to be looked at. Forever. Always. But it was a foolish dream so I grabbed the night instead with both hands.

  “Do you not see, Adir? You changed everything. You changed me. You still continue to do so. For years, I lived in the fear that nothing in life would be my choice. Nursing became my identity, my reason to look forward to another day. I spoke in anger, so anxious to let you see how much I needed to help her. So worried that you will also try to mold me into what you want, not accept me for what I am.

  “Continuing to be a nurse is important to me, yes, but not more than you or this baby or the family we’re creating for ourselves. It is what I have wanted for so long. Somewhere to belong, someone to love with my whole heart. I would never, never put that at risk for anything.”

  In his silence, she saw the fear—fear for her, fear that she was beginning to mean something to him. And the need to control it. To suppress it.

  Her heart seemed to hover in her throat for an eternity, her every hope thrown on a bold risk she had taken in telling him what he meant to her.

  If he rejected her admission, if he so much as decided not to look at her, how would she cope?

  After what felt like an eon, he turned to his side.

  Heat. Hardness. Heart.

  He was everything she had always dreamed of. Here in this moment with her. And yet, just a little out of reach.

  His beautiful face was wreathed in shadows, hidden from her, while he studied her.

  Amira closed her eyes, terrified of what she would find in his. Or what she would not find.

  “I want to believe you, Amira. I have never received such a gift. I do not know what to do with it. I do not... I will never know how to return it.”

  And just like that, Amira’s heart broke a little. But she didn’t give up. She would never give up on him.

  Not when she had finally understood this. Not when the man she loved was so brave, so honorable, so...full of heart, even if he denied it.

  How could she love him any less even after that admission?

  Her hands moved of their own accord, finding his hot skin. The jut of his taut shoulders. His velvet rough skin. The small raspy hairs on his chest. The line of his strong throat. The bristle on his jaw. The sharp flare of his nose.

  Every inch of him was so dear to her. The love she felt for him filling her with courage. To risk her heart, again and again.

  “I want to be your sheikha. I already share the love you have for these fierce people, I already feel your passion for the desert that gives back so much. I would be proud to rule them by your side. I choose you, Adir. Again. This time, knowing what a...” her tears blocked her throat “...a complex, stubborn man you are. Knowing the truth of you at the core of my being.

  “I choose this life with you, even knowing that it is sometimes hard and sometimes breathtakingly beautiful. All I ask is that you let me have a little of my passion, too. It is not a zero-sum game, you know that, right? Nursing gave me an identity when I had nothing else to hold onto. But now, it’s tied to you, Adir, it’s all you.”

  The silent room reverberated with her declaration. The air so heavy with tension that she wondered if she would choke.

  And then he reached for her. Slowly. Softly. His breath feathering through her hair. “I missed you when you were gone. I miss you whenever you’re not close to me. I wish to make you happy, Amira.”

  Amira caught the cry that wanted to escape her mouth. The admission seemed wrenched from him, but at least he had made it. To himself and to her. “You do. Even when you make me want to throttle you, you still make me happy.”

  She waited with bated breath, but he did no more than continue to stroke her cheek in a featherlight caress. Almost reverent.

  He said nothing else.

  How foolish she was to think he would return her grand admission. When would she realize that her husband would never be a man who admitted that he felt something for her?

  Was it even his fault, when he’d been conditioned by his mother’s sweetly poisoned words about what her love had done to her and to him in the process? When he saw what love was through the queen’s weak mind and weaker actions?

  Maybe Amira and her love would never be enough to overcome the shadow his past would always cast over his present and his future. And that was something she wanted to forget right now.

  She wanted to live in this moment. The present was the only thing she would always have with him.

  “Adir?”

  Still another caress. Just the pads of his fingers against her chin, her nose, her eyes, her hair. Almost indifferently. As if he hadn’t yet recovered from her admission.

  When he ran his fingers down her neck to her breasts, the breath she had been holding rushed out of her in a painful exhale. Tears seeped to the corners, hot and scorching and it was all she could do to contain them. All she could do not to beg him to love her in return.

  All of her was laid bare before him.

  Did he know what a tremendous risk she had taken? She, who had been terrified of ever finding a man who saw her, much less loved her?

  When he dipped his mouth and kissed her, Amira let all the pain go. Let the taste of him wash away her doubts and fears for the moment.

  When he pushed her onto her back without a word, without an acknowledgment of what she had shared, she hardened her heart.

  This was all he would give. He had said it without saying it.

  His desire, his respect, his loyalty...that was all she could ever have. And it was up to her to live with it.

  When he ripped open the shirt and palmed her breasts with a rough urgency, she tried to convince herself that the insistent ache he created in her lower belly with such clever caresses was all she needed.

  When he drove her to crazy desperation with his mouth at her breasts, she told herself that all she needed was this...this closeness with him.

  When he stripped her to her skin and kissed his way down her body; when his breath fluttered over her inner thighs; when he separated her damp folds with his fingers and licked her at the spot throbbing and aching for him; when he sucked her between his lips while she writhed under his knowing touch; when she splintered into a million fragments under indescribable pleasure; when he drove into her while her muscles still contracted and released; when he came inside her with such intensity that his breath was like the bellows of a forge against her chest, Amira tried to tell herself that this was enough.

  That he cared for their child was enough.

  That he was trying to accept her as she was, that he was trying, despite his own instincts, not to control her was enough.

  That he showed her paradise every time he touched her was enough.

  She didn’t need his love.

  Her mind repeated the same thought in circles, round and round while she slipped into exhausted sleep.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  AMIRA HAD NEVER imagined Adir could be such a witty and fun companion as he was when they toured the capital city of Zyria in the hours he was free during the next few days.

  The trip was a little surprise, he had said gruffly when she had inquired about the conference, he had planned for her since it didn’t begin for three more days. Amira had thrown a pillow at him at the realization that he had always meant to bring her to Zyria with him.

  For official reasons, he had said between long, languorous kisses and Amira had bit his lip then.

  Of course, there had always been a devilish humor in him beneath the seriousness. But that he had let her see it, that he had dedicated so much time to spending with her, it was exhilarating and utterly joyous to be with a man who treated his wife like a queen.

  No wish of hers was to be neglected.

  No want of hers was to go unfulfilled.

&n
bsp; No desire of hers was to go unmet.

  She didn’t remember when she could have mentioned that she had always wanted to see the campus of the famous Al-Haidar University where the first woman had trained to be a nurse almost four hundred years ago. He had had an exclusive tour arranged, with accompaniment by the current dean of the university, a strict, no-nonsense professor who very much reminded Amira of Humera.

  Even more surprising was when Adir had joined her on the tour—Amira had simply assumed she would be sent off with a guard and collected in the evening while he looked into his business affairs. But he had patiently and with genuine interest sat through her lengthy interview of Mrs. Ahmed about her longstanding career.

  He hadn’t even frowned when Amira had admitted that she’d always wanted to finish her surgical training, too—something even Zufar couldn’t have convinced her father to let her do.

  When he had said maybe after the four children she wanted were in school they could talk about it, she had squealed and embarrassed him by hugging him openly in front of his aide and guard.

  The next day, it had been shopping. Amira lost count of the number of dresses he had ordered for her at a couture house or the jewelry he had lavished upon her.

  The next day, it was a private, enchanted dinner on the one hundred and fortieth floor of a rotating restaurant, the entirety of which had been booked just for them.

  And their nights...their nights were spent in the vast luxury bed in their hotel suite overlooking the wondrous lights of the city.

  In the three weeks of their marriage so far, Amira had assumed they had pushed each other to the edge of physical desire in every way. He was continuously surprised and more than overjoyed, he had said once, that she was his equal and willing partner in everything sexual.

  She was mistaken.

  If she had been bold before, Adir had pushed and pushed her until she was completely unashamed to parade around their hotel suite wearing nothing but her skin in front of him.

  It was as if nothing could satisfy him except to experiment with debauchery in every way possible.